I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
