when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
