I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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