If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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