question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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