I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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