Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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