you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
