There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
