I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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