Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
