My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
