I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
