ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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