He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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