She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
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I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize