Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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