i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
