woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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