i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
