My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
