allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
