What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
