First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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