she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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