you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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