The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
