im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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