bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
