Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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