You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
