Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
