Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
