Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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