Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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