My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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