The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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