my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
