nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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