You're completely useless in the revolution.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
