Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
