She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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