New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
