did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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