It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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