Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
