I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
then he tried to convert me to islam
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
