Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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