I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
