this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Boobs speak an international language.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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