Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
NoShamevember. You game?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
