Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
