bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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