Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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