My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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