who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
