Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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