jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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