At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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