1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where is the hickey?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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