Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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