Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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