before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
